Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

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Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Vegito9000 on Mon Aug 18, 2014 4:47 pm

It is a stormy day on earth, Goku and Vegeta are fighting, as usual.
Standing by watching is Gohan 'Why are they training?' Gohan thought 'Whats the point, we killed Cell?!'
Goku hits Vegeta square in the stomach, as he doubles over 'I... will.. not.. be BEATEN!' he coughs, then faster than the eye can follow, he gets up, punching Goku in the face.
Goku flies backwards, hitting a rock at speeds faster than man can measure, a split second later, he's out of the rubble, and flying at Vegeta.

Part one, tell me how you all like it!
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Re: Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Shouri2 on Mon Aug 18, 2014 5:48 pm

If you would like me to be honest, then it is good, but it has a lot of potential to be better. For example, describe the background a bit better. Where are they? Are they in the mountains? The plains?
Make the story about twice as long next time, because this can be read in under ten seconds. There are little to no grammar mistakes and your vocabulary isn't horrible like some stories I've read. Overall, I would give this a 7.5 out of ten, and I don't usually give that high.
I'm not an experienced critic, so this is the best I can do. Now, some questions about the Storybook. Can there be stories other than DBZ? Can there be crossovers? And by PG-13, does that mean no blood and gore? Like Frieza's horn and Krillen?
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Re: Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Vegito9000 on Mon Aug 18, 2014 10:50 pm

Eh, I will work on the Storyline.

Stroybook can contain anything, be it DBZ or mario.

PG-13, blood and gore is alright, just not too much.

Going to bed, cya later!
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Re: Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Thegabe2140 on Tue Aug 19, 2014 11:19 am

Part 2 please

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Re: Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Vegito9000 on Tue Aug 19, 2014 2:23 pm

Part One, Remade.  Fixed

It is a stormy day on earth, Goku and Vegeta are training, destroying the lush green islands around them, as usual.
 Standing by on a hill, Gohan watches the amazing spectacle of a fight, 'Why are they training?' he thinks 'We defeated Cell.'
As he watches, Goku gains the upper hand, punching Vegeta in the gut, Vegeta doubles over. 'Glad that's over' Gohan thinks 'They've been at it the whole day.'
But this is not to be, Vegeta, coughing, rises up, punching Goku directly in the face, sending him backwards faster than a bullet.
Gohan can't keep up, the next thing he knows, Goku is behind Vegeta.
'Its over' he says, then before he can blink, Vegeta is glowing, he whispers 'Galick...'  easily heard by Gohan's trained ears, 'Uh-o' was all Goku could say before Vegeta interrupted saying 'GUN!'
The beam, moving at speeds the eye can't follow, hits Goku. Sent flying backwards, he cannot control where he is headed, finally he slows down.
His power reduced to almost nothing, he shouts 'Alright Vegeta, you win today!'


Better? By the way, this is the first thing I've ever tried to write.


Last edited by Vegito9000 on Wed Aug 20, 2014 11:14 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Few Fixes.)
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Re: Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Shouri2 on Tue Aug 19, 2014 2:57 pm

Yup, that is definitely better. There were a few times where Vegeta's name wasn't capitalized and you should look closely at this part

"The beam, moving at speeds the eye couldn't follow, hits goku. Hard, sent flying backwards, Goku cannot control where he is headed, finally he slows down."

You are very good for this being your first time, so I'm gonna give this one a 8.5 out of ten.
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Re: Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Vegito9000 on Wed Aug 20, 2014 11:17 am

Shouri2 wrote:Yup, that is definitely better. There were a few times where Vegeta's name wasn't capitalized and you should look closely at this part

"The beam, moving at speeds the eye couldn't follow, hits goku. Hard, sent flying backwards, Goku cannot control where he is headed, finally he slows down."

You are very good for this being your first time, so I'm gonna give this one a 8.5 out of ten.

Fixed. Gonna post next part soon!

PS, Are you gonna post a story?
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Re: Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Shouri2 on Wed Aug 20, 2014 3:28 pm

Good job in fixing the errors, Vegito. And I may post a story, but that will only be when I'm not so busy. I used to write and scrap stories every day, so I guess I am above average. Also, I read books, be they online or real, every day for more than 12 hours at least. But now I've run out of books, so games are my new/old hobby.
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Re: Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Vegito9000 on Wed Aug 20, 2014 5:23 pm

I read books too, currently reading 'Transformers: Exiles'.

Although, I read while eating, so I also have time to play games.

Welp, time to start part two.
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Re: Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Vegito9000 on Thu Aug 21, 2014 1:29 pm

Part Two

His power reduced to almost nothing, he shouts, 'Alright Vegeta, you win today!'
Vegeta, not one to back down from a fight, even if his opponent surrenders, shouts, 'Never! I shall not back down from a fight Kakarot!'
Goku, breathing heavily, shrugs saying, 'If you say so.'
All of a sudden, Goku doesn't look tired, He was feigning weakness! Gohan realized.
Shocked, Vegeta shouts 'Kakarot, You weren't injured?!'
Uh-oh thinks Gohan, This is gonna take forever!
'Ha, of course I wasn't injured,' Goku taunts 'I was hoping, you would decide to rest. before I injure some more of your pride!'
Here he goes again. thinks Gohan
"How.. dare.. YOU!' Vegeta screams, destroying what was left of the lush, green, landscape, with a ki explosion, 'I WILL NOT BE MOCKED!!'
Vegeta flies straight for Goku, faster than the eye can see. Seconds later... They collide!


How is it?! I worked a little harder... Smile Hope you all like!


Last edited by Vegito9000 on Fri Aug 22, 2014 10:59 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Text Errors, Fixed! (I hope xD))
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Re: Dragonball: Planetary Destruction

Post by Shouri2 on Fri Aug 22, 2014 6:01 am

First I'll tell you the errors. When Gohan thinks Uh-oh, you misspelled his name. Then when Goku is taunting Vegeta, I is not capitalized. Also, hoping is capitalized and before before it should be a comma. In the next sentence after again there should be a comma. Finally, when Vegeta yells YOU there is no exclamation mark.

I'm gonna rate it at 8, but I'll make it 10 when you fix the mistakes.

Edit: It's a 10. Smile 


Last edited by Shouri2 on Fri Aug 22, 2014 1:03 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Needed to change rating)
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